Bigfoot doesn't live here

Despite what the experts in rural trailer communities may profess, Bigfoot simply doesn't live here; nor has it ever. The alleged existence of such a being is widespread and appears in most every mythology of the world, that does not however make it true. Although many would like it to be so.

The mythological creature that is known through the verbal history of most peoples on earth is likely handed down stories of encounters with neanderthal man. Neanderthal and modern humans were around at the same time, briefly in historical terms, but limited interaction was likely; at least plausible. As modern man spread across the world the stories spread as well. Since there is no record of neanderthal ever reaching North America I calculate a .5% chance that Bigfoot is a relic population of neanderthal.

The remaining 99.5% can be explained as follows: 80% misidentification of a known species, 15% fabricated stories or hoaxed evidence, 4.4% that Bigfoot is a random occurrence of feral humans and .1% that it is an unknown primate. I'm leaning towards a 0% chance of an unknown primate in North America but statistical analysis does require a value. Aside from Japanese Macaques there aren't any other cold weather primates and no large cold weather primates in existence. Since the known primates don't hibernate I can't imagine one surviving here.

As for the rest of the world the percentages would shift slightly but remain relatively constant. If I were a betting man, and I am, my money would be placed on the verification of the Orang-pendek as a new species. Although when discovered it is not likely to be considered a Bigfoot by any means.